Part 3 of 4: What’s Stopping You from Coming Out?
Coming out can be an extremely freeing and validating experience. However, getting to a point where we are comfortable sharing our identities with others can be difficult.
Many individuals experience internalized homophobia/transphobia. This occurs when we have taken to heart the terrible things we have heard others say about LGBTQ people. These feelings can lead to shame, self-hatred, and in some cases, suicide.
In 2019, The Trevor Project published a study on the commonality of suicidal thoughts in queer youth. They found that among LGBTQ youth between the ages of 13 and 24, more than 1.8 million seriously consider suicide each year in the U.S. alone. With these findings, they estimated that no less than 1.2 million queer youth between the ages of 13 and 18 in the U.S. consider suicide every year. Furthermore, they estimated that at least 693,000 queer young adults (age 19-24) seriously consider suicide every year.
Sebastian, a 20-year-old gay trans man, said he experienced internalized homophobia and transphobia as he worked to accept his gender and sexuality.
“Between a dark spiral of depression and anxiety, it was hard to come to terms with loving myself and figuring it out,” he said. Even after he began to accept himself, he struggled to come out because of others’ toxic beliefs, the fear of being “kicked out or worse,” and the chance that he would not be accepted.
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An anonymous 21-year-old queer woman on Twitter said she experienced a lot of internalized homophobia as she went through coming out to herself, especially due to growing up religious.
“I didn’t want to acknowledge it because I was afraid just identifying as bisexual or gay would send me to hell,” she said.
A 24-year-old nonbinary lesbian also cited religion as a reason she struggled to come out.
“I lived and went to school in the Bible Belt, so needless to say, there were no LGBTQ clubs or resources or people that weren’t in the closet at my high school,” she said. “People were blatantly homophobic. I ignored the questioning thoughts in the back of my mind. My family, especially my dad, is really Catholic.”
Religion stopped Grace from understanding her sexuality for many years and made it hard to come out once she was ready.
“I never looked at women in a romantic light and never thought about it because I was always expected to marry a man,” she said. Her dad is still Mormon, and she said she has chosen not to come out to him. “My Mormon upbringing has hurt how I’ve come out because I have times where I look at myself and just say that I’m straight because I haven’t dated a woman yet or looked at one in a romantic way,” she said.
She added that it’s hard to find queer women in her area and that this makes the possibility of dating a woman very difficult.
In addition to a family’s belief and religion, things such as your culture or peers might make coming out a challenge.
Kevin, a millennial gay man who grew up in India, said the things that kept him from coming out until after college were his family’s religion, internalized homophobia, and cultural taboo. He also said that he struggled due to “hearing jokes about gay people all my life, no representation, no education, ignorance, and the perception that being gay meant pedophile.”
The anonymous Twitter user said she couldn’t come out yet because of her school.
“The college I go to is incredibly conservative, and I could be expelled if I were to come out publicly,” she said. “I look forward to coming out more confidently when I graduate.”
As I mentioned in the first article in this series, I grew up homeschooled and in a conservative Christian environment. Many adults in my life used religion to control others, and minorities were belittled, scorned, or unacknowledged.
When I first noticed I had feelings for a girl around age 16, I was terrified because of religion. At the time, I was also dealing with untreated obsessive-compulsive disorder that focused very heavily on themes of salvation, sin, and hell. I was absolutely petrified that even acknowledging I might be gay would send me to hell.
Distancing myself from the church made my coming out journey possible. With time and distance, I was able to start seeing that many of the things I was taught as a kid and teen were twisted interpretations of the Bible or were not based on any theology at all. I was able to start examining what I thought was right and wrong and began to realize that there was nothing wrong or evil about being gay. But it wasn’t easy. It took until I was 19 to even acknowledge I liked girls, and I wasn’t comfortable with the label “lesbian” until I was 20.
For those struggling with roadblocks similar to these, please know you are not alone. Being closeted is isolating and often an experience that involves a lot of shame. If you are questioning or closeted, I would reccomend looking for support in any way you can. Personally, I have found support through LGBTQ subreddits, podcasts, articles written by LGBTQ people and allies, and therapy. You can find a list of resources at the end of this article.
Wherever you are in your journey, know that you are not alone and it is going to get better. The world seems terrifying when you’re early in this journey. There are a lot of hateful people. However, as my therapist once told me, you are the only person who will spend your whole life with you. The most important thing is for you to learn to love yourself. (Which isn’t always easy! But with a lot of practice, you’ll get there. It’s okay to need time.)
Resources I recommend:
● QUEERY with Cameron Esposito. She has a lot of interesting guests on her show and many perspectives on the queer experience. It’s entertaining and a good way to feel less alone.
● Queerology: A Podcast on Belief and Being by Matthias Roberts. The host is from a Christian background, but he has a diverse group of guests with varying beliefs. This was one of the first podcasts I listened to when I was coming out, and it helped me realize that I could be gay and still have a relationship with God.
● Subreddits for LGBTQ people. There are many subreddits for just about any sexuality or gender identity, plus ones for older LGBTQ individuals, LGBTQ Christians, and more.
● Facebook has lots of groups for LGBTQ individuals. While I personally preferred Reddit because of its relative anonymity, one-on-one communication can be somewhat easier over Facebook.
● Them. This is an LGBTQ news source that feels a little less overwhelming than others.
Add your recommendations in the comments!
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