Inspiring: Part 1 of 4 Coming Out: When Did You Know?
By: Emily
Coming out is a very personal and unique experience for each person in the LGBTQ community. With the rise of social media, millennials and Gen Z often find these platforms helpful in communicating their identities to those around them. Others find it easier to come out in person, while some don’t feel they need to come out at all—they simply live their truth without needing to explain it.
In November 2016, GLAAD conducted a survey and found that approximately 20% of millennials and people born in the early years of Gen Z identify as LGBTQ. The survey looks at previous generations back to the Silent Generation (the generation before Baby Boomers). It shows a trend that the percentage of individuals identifying as part of the LGBTQ community increases with each generation.
As I looked at these numbers, I considered the different ages individuals might come out. For the older generation, coming out or even accepting that they were LGBTQ was much less common than it is today because of extreme prejudice. While we certainly have a long way to go, society is gradually becoming more accepting of LGBTQ individuals. As awareness grows, people likely have words at a younger age to explain what they are feeling and who they are. Coming out is a very personal and unique experience for each person in the LGBTQ community.
For me, a 21-year-old lesbian, I didn’t understand my sexuality until last year. Growing up, I was homeschooled, and my environment was very conservative and Christian. I had no idea being gay was an “option” until I was about ten years old, and I didn’t really understand what that meant until some time in my teens.
Looking back, I see the signs were always there. Every time my best friend slept over as a kid, I would look forward to getting to curl up beside her on the air mattress. When I hugged a female friend around age 16 and got goosebumps, dread started to creep up on me. I was supposed to be straight—everyone I knew seemed to be. I was expected to marry a man and probably have kids. The idea of my life not following that path felt terrifying.
I didn’t date until I was 19 and met a guy on a dating app. Our relationship lasted several months and was toxic. Being anything more than friends with him felt like playing pretend. He would tell me all the things he liked about me, and my mind would lurch into a panic because I didn’t have a list of sweet things to say back to him.
Our relationship ended after he assaulted me. Looking back, I think I had been trying to convince myself I could make things work with a man and that this guy checked all the boxes: he was a Christian, he was a nerd, and … that was it. I didn’t exactly have high standards because I was just trying to mark off a box for myself by finding a husband. When that didn’t work, I felt like my only option was to acknowledge what I’d been ignoring since I was a teen: I definitely liked women.
I’ll always remember the exact moment that I fully let myself realize I liked women and accepted it. I was sitting in the car one day in between classes at college. At the time, I was working at a student newspaper and had told my editor-in-chief about my breakup—including the fact that I had been assaulted while in the relationship. She made some comment about how I should try girls because I “had the hair for it.” I was furious because I felt like my experience of being assaulted had been belittled, and having someone tell me I “looked gay” while closeted was terrifying. I sat in the car thinking about how angry I was when I started to wonder, “Hey … what if you actually let yourself consider that maybe you do like girls?”
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For the first time, I let myself think—with no judgment—about the fact that maybe I wasn’t straight and that maybe that was okay. I have never felt a sense of freedom like I did in that moment. It was like I had been shutting a part of myself down for years and all of a sudden I was allowed to look at it. It felt right.
I didn’t know anything for sure in that moment, and it took me at least six months before I started to be comfortable in myself as a lesbian.
As I’ve gone through my coming out journey, I’ve sometimes felt like I’m less valid because I didn’t know I was gay from a young age. However, according to a survey published by Pew Research Center in 2013, it’s fairly common for LGBTQ individuals to not realize they’re queer until their late teen years or adulthood. Coming out is a very personal and unique experience for each person in the LGBTQ community.
Pew Research Center surveyed a group of bisexual individuals, gay men, and lesbian. While the most common response from all three groups surveyed was that they realized they weren’t straight by age 13, 22% of lesbians and 23% of bisexual individuals realized they weren’t straight between the ages of 15 and 19. At age 20 and older, 14% of lesbians and 15% of bisexual individuals realized they weren’t straight. The percentages for gay men at these ages are lower, with 19% of gay men realizing they weren’t straight between the ages of 15 and 19 and 11% realizing at 20 or older.
These numbers led me to interview a group of millennial and Gen Z LGBTQ individuals to hear their own experiences of self-discovery.
Cira, a 20-year-old nonbinary lesbian, said their first memory of their sexuality was at a summer camp in first grade. While they didn’t come out until age 19, they noticed their feelings toward girls as a kid.
“Several years before realizing I was gay, I started crushing on my best friend, which made me question myself a lot,” they said.
Others started to think they might not be straight and/or cis around puberty. Sebastian, a 20-year-old gay transgender man, said figuring out his identity was a little confusing because he didn’t have the language to explain what he felt.
“I knew something wasn’t right around age nine, but I didn’t know the words to express it,” he said. He added that as a kid, he didn’t have many problems being himself, but that changed as he matured. He started to question what he was feeling and realized he was trans and gay at about age 15.
Kevin, a gay millennial man, also said he started to figure out his sexuality when he hit puberty. While he knows he figured out his sexuality between the ages of 12 and 14, he doesn’t remember a specific moment where he realized he was gay.
“I just knew I was attracted to men and that meant ‘gay,’” he said.
Many other LGBTQ individuals don’t understand or accept their identities until they are adults.
Grace, an 18-year-old bisexual woman, said she never considered she could be anything but straight because she grew up Mormon and was expected to marry a man. She said hearing from other bisexual women about their own feelings helped her understand herself better.
“I started to listen and I started to see what they saw,” she said. “I came to the realization that spending my life with a woman or being with a woman—I don’t mind the idea of it.”
Emily, a 19-year-old bisexual woman, said she started to realize she wasn’t straight when she was 18. She said the process involved her learning that liking men and women was natural and okay.
“There was nothing wrong with it and when I realized that, many things started to make sense to me,” she said.
While Cira remembers questioning their sexuality at a younger age, they didn’t begin to understand their gender until recently.
“I forget for how long, but I’ve always had a gut feeling that I’m not female, but I also didn’t see myself as a male,” they said. They said it was only within the past few weeks that they’ve been able to put words to it and accept that they are nonbinary.
No matter when you realize you are a part of the LGBTQ community, you are valid. It is never too late to understand yourself. As we continue with this series looking at the experiences of millennial and Gen Z LGBTQ community members, I hope you remember one thing: Your experience is valid. No matter if you realized you were queer as a kid, in your adult years, or you’re still figuring out, there are many people cheering you on. Remember, Coming out is a very personal and unique experience for each person in the LGBTQ community.
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